It's that time of year again ... the holiday season. And I've never felt quite so unsure about life. If you'll refer to my post, "If you're kissing this boy ...," I would argue that it all started there. To make a long story short, religious differences was just one of a few reasons why I broke it off with a girl that I had began to date - and maybe not even the biggest reason. Perhaps the biggest problem was one of loneliness and/or depression. The last few times we hung out together, I felt this stinging loneliness or isolation - even though she was sitting RIGHT THERE beside me. It was a most awful sensation, something I'd experienced only mildly a couple of other times in my life. But this time, it stuck around, and it even started to infect other areas of my life. As an example, my best friend came to visit me for a weekend, and I felt that same sense of isolation/withdrawal around him. Of course, this got me to questioning my decision to break up with this girl. After all, if I was feeling the same way around a great friend, maybe this had nothing to do with the girl and everything to do with a mental problem that I am currently going through.

Mental agony ensued - some of which I'm still experiencing today. It was in these moments that I got back up on the fence of religious belief (didn't mention this in the original telling of the story). I asked God if he was trying to show me something. I prayed - and while there were some selfish undertones (I wanted to be mentally stable) - I tried to be as selfless as possible, asking God to show me what he wanted me to see, direct me, reveal his plan to me. I even started reading the Bible looking for answers. After 2 or 3 weeks of this, I realized it only made things worse. I didn't expect to get all the answers to life in a couple weeks, but I at least thought that I would gain some sense of calm or feel even a slight relief. But instead, it got worse. It was a despair I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

A few months later, I'm still struggling on and trying my best to move forward, but that little voice in my head always asks, "Toward what end?" The "what's the point?" kind of questions are constantly lurking. These are the kinds of questions that tend to lead one to pondering the existence of a god, but if there's one thing I learned, I could not find comfort there. And when I pose this point to a believer, they often say that God doesn't have to prove himself to you. He doesn't have to answer your prayers. And I say ... yes he most certainly does. Maybe God did give us "free will," but he didn't give us a choice on whether to exist or not. I was born into this world without my consent. I didn't have any say in the matter. And now I'm charged to get to know God, who most believers would claim has absolutely no obligation to prove that he exists or stand up to any tests of reason or questioning.

I don't know where I'm going to find meaning, but I'm going to find it. And I'm quite certain I'm not going to find it in religion. 6 months ago, I was a very happy, care-free person. The "girl situation" that I've touched on certainly kicked off this difficult period in my life, though I don't think it was the only contributor. I've learned a lot about myself over these past several months - the most important of which is that for some reason, I can't give up.